Today’s ALL THE HORSES ARE ALL FOR ME Selections from Suffolk Downs and CANTER NE

SUNDAY IS THE SUFFOLK SHOWCASE! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Meet trainers pet horsies take one home with you!!

(I think they should get one of those big inflatable gorillas to put out front and get lots of extra attention, but nobody ever listens to me.)

Dark skies and pouring down rain is the perfect horse-shopping weather. How so, you ask? Well, horse-shopping is done on the Internets these days, right? It’s so much easier to justify spending your day looking at pictures of horses if it’s dark and stormy. And that is precisely what I have been doing.

I’m a little bit of a horse flipper, I confess (not the vaulting kind, although that would be fun) and so my eye is always drawn to the $500 and below listings. Even if I was planning on keeping the horse for myself (see: New York Bob, my imaginary novice-level eventing buddy) I lean towards the bargains, because I don’t mind a little goofiness or patching-up or whatever extra work a horse might need, as long as they’re nice and don’t bite with their ears pinned. (Biting is one thing. Biting with ears pinned is another thing altogether.)

But last night I went to a free gig at a posh hotel, and I am still feeling the residual effects of pretending to be rich. With that in mind, here are three horses that I would cheerfully drop a fortune (that is, more than $500) on and probably keep forever and braid their manes and give them those prepackaged horse treat cupcakes and wash them with that strawberry cheesecake scented shampoo I used to carry at Grand Cypress Equestrian Center for the rich kids and their ponies.

1. O’Malley

O'Malley is a hands-free Thoroughbred! The latest and greatest in OTTB technology!

Okay, first off, he’s a chestnut. +1. Second, he’s named after one of the Aristocats. +1. Third, that shoulder. +1. Fourth, THAT FACE . +500. And look, he stands up and poses for pictures! Right after a race! He’ll look so cute with a champion rosette, and you know he’s going to show off on that victory gallop. This is one of those horses that I can look at all day. $2,000 negotiable sounds right to me.

2. Gonna Blow

Dark bays are mysterious and brooding, like James Bond. If you're going to rename him (and you probably are) can we go with a Secret Agent name?

Those ears! When I saw those ears, I had to check out his pedigree. (Don’t ask, I don’t know why.) Gonna Blow, poor sweet boy, is just like me, a Florida-bred asking why is it so damn cold? But horses like cold weather,  so he has probably adjusted better than I have. Look, he’s got dapples, a gorgeous hip, a swan’s neck, a sweet face, and he’s ever-so-slightly over at the knee (I think) which as The Authority, AKA James Wofford, has said, makes for a better jumper. (See: Amarillo.) His trainer and groom vouch for his chilled-out ‘tude, which totes make sense since he’s a beach boy, and they’re letting him go for $1,500 (neg.).

3. Chief Picolo

I swear, Chief Picolo already looks like he is in the arena at HITS.

Gray horses cost more because only rich people can afford enough grooms to keep them clean all the time. When you stroll down from your mansion to your stable, you want to be sure that your dappled gray isn’t dappled muck-green. That being said, a little elbow grease, a washcloth, and some rubbing alcohol not only removes grass and manure stains from a light-colored coat, it also builds muscle! And you have hay bales to stack! You need biceps! Chief Picolo has enough white on him to keep your body buff and enough of those pretty circles we call dapples to keep the judge’s eye from wandering. I know I said I’m a plain chestnut girl, but I am out of shape, and he is incredibly gorgeous. He’s also been handled like a horse (winters on the farm, lightly raced, good manners) so the transition to the show ring should be fairly smooth. $3,000 and it’s probably a bargain for a racey eye-catcher like this.